Frustration, overwhelming frustration...

Okay, so I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. How many times have we all heard that and/or felt that way? I just started my new (and final) class tonight it is called Health & Fitness for Adults. Thankfully, I have a very compassionate, understanding, and wise (yes I said wise) instructor. Because last night, my notes were filled with explicitives, to put it mildly!

Here is some of my frustrations. I have been diagnosed with several things. Too many if you ask me. Especially since none of which can be "fixed" only coped with and worked with...whatever!

I really want to find information online for people like me! You know the ones everybody (including doctors) call hypochodriacs...because everytime they go to the doctor its something new...yes, I am talking about US!

I want to find information for people like me who have the medical records to back up our "hypochondriac" ways. Information that will help us become healthier and happier too. There are all kinds of websites for people that suffer from "laziness." There are all kinds of websites that talk about specific illnesses. But I have yet to find any that discuss people like me who have a whole laundry lists of VERY REAL health issues to deal with ALL AT ONCE...

So here are mine:
Double Depression (dysthymia coupled with major depression--yes I get suicidal on a regular basis..I will never try it again, but I have those depth of lows)

Fibromyalgia (it's real, trust me I went to one of the top Neurologists in the nation to have him tell me, "You can either believe Fibromyalgia exists--and you have it, or we can continue torturing you with expensive and highly painful tests, that will just prove that you have Fibromyalgia. Oh and you have OsteoArthritis too."

Osteoarthritis--that's the one that makes your joints deteriorate over time, it looks like your joints are surrounded by a cloudy substance.

Exercise induced Asthma--hmmm, probably why my Mother convinced my schools to yank me out of PE classes...

Diabetes type II--insulin dependent now. yeah me!

Abnormal Migraines/TIA's (mini-strokes) this depends on which neurologist you talk to. Yes I know there is a HUGE difference, but I wasn't to cognizant at the time I was having them and so I can only go on the differing opinions listed in my medical charts.

Morbid Obesity--besides genetics, with everything I just listed, is anyone really surprised, I mean seriously? really? how could I possibly be fat? and not just fat but fat to the point of morbidity

Morbid according to the English online dictionary (North America) is defined as 1. interested in gruesome subjects, showing a strong interest in unpleasant or gloomy subjects such as death, murder, or accidents 2. grisly, inspiring disgust or horror (this was my favorite!)

Makes you think, doesn't it.

So in my class we are learning how important it is to become not only physically fit, but to increase our overall "wellness". Since I am currently nursing a broken big toe (don't ask), coming off of Lyrica (gained about 60 pounds in oh about 3 months), and in general, just dealing with a lot of pain, spasms, cramps, insomnia, and more...I am not currently willing to put myself through the torture of walk/jogging 1 1/2 miles just to find out what my level of physical fitness is...hello? Would you if you were in my shoes?

Instead, my instructor has assigned me to do research on the "professional web-sites" to boost my health & wellness vocabulary. Which set me on this wild goose chase for information that doesn't seem to exist. I tried this research project once before about three years ago. I ended up putting together my own little portfolio of information and "ideas" to try until I could find the right fit for me personally.

Not all of the information I found and tried is very healthy. Okay, so drinking alcohol and taking 50 miligrams of benedryl just to dull the pain and get at least 4 hours of sleep is definately NOT healthy...but hey it worked, until I ran out of money and decided I didn't like the side effects of alcohol. This is when I also learned from first hand experience, that alcohol REALLY IS A DEPRESSANT...and to top it off NOT GOOD FOR DIABETICS...yes, all who know me realize that I can be quite dense...or stupid, depending on my latest stunt...

Other things really did make me feel better, maybe not physically, but emotionally. I felt good about myself, proud even that I was accomplishing something positive. Too bad taking Tai Chi classes is so darn expensive!

But nothing ever really helped long term. Mostly because I got to the point where I could just not force myself to "deal with the pain" any more. Especially during these wonderful NorthWest Winters.

Well I am once again weighing in at over 300 pounds. Since I decided that the weight gain was not worth the benefits and stopped taking Lyrica. The numbness and tingling have returned along with the painfully icy fingers and toes. I am tripping over my own feet again, losing my balance, and usually at the most embarrassing moments--of course!

I do not want to live this way. I really do not want to become an invalid,victim of my health at 34. I am too young to give up! Yet after being fired from my job at the John in Dec 2007 then having a complete hysterectomy in Jan 2008. That is exactly what I did. I gave up. Because of that I am now back to square one. I have to start all over again with the "baby steps" of getting healthy.

This means, stretching, slow "easy" exercises --Tai Chi and Qui Gong--and lots and lots of patience with myself. I know I can do it. I know that I can work through the "off the charts" pain levels. What I don't know for certain, is if I will be able to force myself into sticking with it, until these pain levels even out and get back to being a level which I can handle on a daily basis. For me that is about 6/10. Or for a normal person (one of my "healthy" friends who started working out when I did the first time), the level at which they find themselves the day after doing three consecutive circuits on every weight machine in the gym, the treadmill, the elyptical, and then going back to the free weights--just for fun. Why he thought he could do all of this in one day, we will never know, but we still laugh about it--now that he has stopped hurting, of course.

My only dream for Christmas, is to have my very own "working" bathtub in which to soak my poor aching body. Mine seems to have developed a huge crack down the middle of it over these past couple of years...showers are doable, as long as you straddle the crack and hope your foot doesn't slip and get stuck in it. OUCH!

All of this long winded, rambling, narrative started because I couldn't find what I am looking for on this world wide web of ours...go figure. Okay, back to the grind. There has got to be something somewhere, maybe I am just not typing in the right query?

I'll let you know...or you can let me know where to find what I am looking for. I would sincerely appreciate any help I can get. --laters, me