Today is Bad Emotional Day!

I can't find my journal. I was woken up by my aunt (who I do inhome care for) "so do I take today's no show to mean you quit?" the conversation did not go well, I had overslept. She hung up on me and would not answer my calls to find out if she still wanted me to come over.

I got a letter from WPC saying I owe them money. That one of my classes had not been accounted for before my refund check was cut. The timing of everything shows on my end that this was the Business Office's fault, not mine. Still no word on whether or not I can graduate in 15 days. Let alone finish my last class...

I still do not have a job that will pay the bills. I have used up all of my refund just to survive it until now. I still have a mortgage payment to make for January, car payment, car insurance, and PUD. I am hoping that this months paycheck will pay it all.

I will run out of Dog Food in about two weeks. I will be able to buy them food. --one good thing--

I am doing my best not to think about all of the decisions I will need to make if I cannot find a job soon! But they won't go away. So here they are.

Let the bank foreclose or put my house up for a quicksale and hope it sells for enough that I don't have any house loan left over. Let alone hope for a place to live when it sells. Which would mean that Hannah would have to move back in with our parents and they will have to find some place to put all of their stuff that is in my garage...they are pretty much broke too...fixed incomes and all that...

I will have to take all of my furry children to the pound and hope that they are not euthenized.

I will have to find out how to sell my car for the $4000 I still owe on it...yes I know I owe more than it blue books for...and it still needs transmission and some unknown engine work and some cosmetic stuff done too...I self - reposess (is that a possibility even).

My arthritis is affecting my joints so bad in this weather that I can't move without wincing. Getting more meds means going back to the doctor I can't pay for -- patient assistance still has not determined if they can help me--and taking in my tax returns (that I can't find--I did it online) and pay stubs with a year to date amount on them --I can't find the year to date amount on the state's version of a pay stub--neither can the patient assistance coordinator--and dealing with a doctor who feels that I am not in compliance with my diabetes management plan--it doesn't matter that I don't get but $16 in food stamps and can't afford the expensive healthy fruits and veggies that I have never been a big fan of anyway--nor does it matter that the insulin is not helping me lose weight, which is another reason he feels I am not in compliance--I have gained about 60 lbs since starting back on my insulin shots and lyrica was added to my med list...because the other non-narcotics no longer do much--nevermind the fact that my depression is so great right now it is all I can do to get out of bed and take care of the very beings that give me any sense of hope...oh wait...my pups will have to go to the pound too...that is what breaks me. not losing my house, my car, my meds, my increased pain levels, my cats, my boyfriend, or causing more hardship on my family (which I have caused plenty of that because my life keeps getting trashed!) But the thought that I won't have my boys anymore...why bother trying if I don't have them...why bother anything if I lose them (well I will be choosing to send them to the pound because why should they suffer just because their mom is a no good loser who is a drain on society and the very kind of person that the Republicans can't stand to have breathing the same air as they do....yes I have heard it all, seems they don't realize that I am one of the very people they were bitching about...oh well...they are still good people...doing good work for our community...Nurses work the hardest (besides the ED techs that do most of the work) to take care of us poor low-life scum bags who don't deserve to live on the same planet as they pay for out of their hard earned checks....

oh ya. never mind the fact that I have done everything I can physically do to combat my situation...but ce la vi...no matter what I say or do, it will always be my own fault, so really I have no room to bitch, right?

ya, I am angry. I am sad. I am pissed off. And today, at this moment, right now. I am defeated.
Stay tuned because it can all change in a blink of an eye...God is still God, and I never want THAT particular job...lol...I am merely an undeserving, faithless wretch who is so ever thankful that HE at least knows what HE is doing and still chose to save ME...

off to go pet my boys and do some more crocheting, actually got an order. still hoping. still praying. just having a down moment in my heart and mind...

In need of hugs...
me