General rambling moment

So, what is up with me?
I am debating whether or not to put my house up for sale.
I need to do a serious house cleaning--its so filthy I am ashamed.
I need to find homes for my cats, but am not ready to give up my dogs yet.
I am still on the job hunt.
I want to move to a warmer state.
I am tired of hearing people tell me to break up with Brandan and kick both him and my sister out.
I really want to get into Special Education working with the Behaviorally Challenged.
I want to open my own business--Craft/Coffee Shop that gives crochet lessons.
I want to sleep through the night without waking up with electric shocks running through my legs or tingly almost numb ice cold hands, or various other cramps/muscle spasms--
I want to have a job that gets me out of the house every day AND pays the bills.
I want to be able to stop stressing about what my future holds/doesn't hold.
I don't want to think about what is and isn't happening in my life.
I want people to realize that having my 4-year Bachelor's of Science Degree is not a magic ticket that will solve all my problems.
I want to be able to move without pain again.
I want to be able to take my dogs for a walk and be able to do more than cough and wheeze and wince from pain when I get home...from walking around the block...
I want to be thin and healthy. I don't need to be rich, but would like to make enough money to have a savings account that can pay the bills if I lose my job again, or can help out my family if something goes wrong--like the fact that their fridge decided to melt down today and now has to be replaced so it doesn't cause a fire!--or whatever the emergency is...
I want to not be one of the NEEDY DEGENERATES that is sucking our health care and tax payer system dry...
I want to be what I always dreamed of being...successful, well off, teacher, mother, wife...
I am tired. Just plain tired...
so off to bed I go. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Lets see what God has planned...
I still haven't found my journal...think it is time to break open a new one. I have just the one too....
night y'all
me

Thank you and Merry Christmas

I sent out a special Christmas message to a few people I know. Then I changed it for three others that have been especially wonderful friends in my life. Then I realized that there are so many others that I would like to say the same thing to. Then I decided to add it to my blog.

I so miss my journal. I haven't yet decided to keep looking or go ahead and start a new one...Starting over is so difficult for me. LOL, but that is another blog all together...so here is my Christmas Thank You Letter, for everyone that has stepped into my life...
Thank you, thank you for being such a special friend. Thank you for walking with me through this "dark valley" in my life's journey. Thank you for believing in me, especially when I could not. Thank you for not turning away during the moments when I fell and the darkness was too much to handle. And most of all, please know that I will never be able to thank you enough!

I am so excited to finally graduate this Saturday.

I want to let you know that I consider you to be a good friend and appreciate your supporting me through this amazing journey of trust to find peace. While everything is not yet settled and my future (like so many I know--and don't know) is still unknown. I want you to know that I have come to a place of peace.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
I have looked at many possible outcomes for my current situation.

I have looked into putting my house up for a "quick sale" and decided that if necessary that is what I will do. I have friends and family both in Arizona and Oklahoma and have decided that if this is the path I must follow then I plan on moving south to warmer climates :)

I am continuing to apply at whatever positions I find that I know I could do well in, and a few that I am not so sure

I know that Papa G has only my best interest at heart. That He has plans for my future to bless me and others through me. Right now I am learning how to fully trust Him with everything, learning to be at peace despite not having a "goal to work towards" or having a job to pay the bills.

I am starting to dream again.

My first venture into dream land is to start selling my crocheted items on the internet and through word of mouth. It has been a very slow process, but has been very fulfilling as well.

I know that one day I sincerely want to teach youth with behavioral disorders (special ed). There are many ways I would like to see this happen. I special ranch where they can come to work with rescued animals (horses or dogs). In a Montessori type school, where they can have the curriculum set up so it will HELP them succeed, staying right here in Longview, in this house, and opening a center for youth and teens that teaches life skills. Like I said I am starting to dream again.

Yes, I still have moments with my emotions taking over control, I am so far from where I hope to be in that department, but then I have to look at how far I have come as well...and I am much closer than I ever thought I could be.

Yes, I still doubt and wobble from the peace of knowing it will all work out and be more than okay, but then I have remembered how to reach out and ask for help, for someone to lean on, so once again, I have come farther along the way.

Yes, I still have difficulty keeping in touch, journaling, and putting things in writing, but I have discovered the wonder of words again. I have rediscovered my love of writing, so I am again moving forward.

Yes, I have let my physical body become sedentary and sluggish. But, I have begun practicing making better choices and moving again, so I may whine about pain and all that stuff, but it's worth it, to be able to move and move forward to a healthier me.

Yes, I sometimes forget that I have friends who care deeply, even if we aren't in constant contact, talking multiple times everyday...but this too is healthy and normal...I am finding that friendship isn't being the same person and having such an unhealthy relationship, but instead a journey where we walk beside each other, sometimes the paths separate for a time and seem to go in different directions...but I have found that the paths always meet up again somewhere, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for your friendship. I am thankful for you.

Thank you for your friendship and for being there. I hope that you have a most blessed and happy Christmas and New Year.

hugs,
me

Justice System Need to Know Basis

Well, it seems the justice system let me down again! The Prosecuting Attorney that handled my vandalism case did tell me that she put a contact order against my neighbor Frank Davis. What she didn't tell me was that I would have to make it a long term one after his court date. So now it is my responsibility to go to the court house --or wherever-- to request all of the case numbers I have against him, add today's temper tantrum to the list and place an order against him myself. I have no idea how to do this, nor if it will cost anything. I hope not because I am so broke I can't pay the water bill or my car insurance (praise God I was able to pay everything else!). The police officer was kind enough to give me the information I needed so I can take the next step to making sure that Frank and his families wishes can be fulfilled. Everyone including Frank, want him in prison...he actually sat on his steps waiting for the police, hoping they would arrest him. They didn't because the contact order was only temporary. Sadly, I have not seen a restitution check from when he destroyed my mail box and kicked out two of my car windows. I do not have the PA's name, I don't even remember the date. I was not informed of when the hearing was so I was not able to be there. Love it, NOT!

So now he is still on the streets and I have to wait and see what his next revenge will be. I will have to be outside with my dogs to make sure he doesn't make good on his previous threats to kill them, I will have to be looking over my shoulder to make sure he doesn't make good on his previous threats to harm me...Happy Freaking Christmas Everyone!

If anyone has knowledge of what I need to do to make this problem neighbor go away, I would really appreciate any and all advice...I would prefer to do this the legal way...
me

Today is Bad Emotional Day!

I can't find my journal. I was woken up by my aunt (who I do inhome care for) "so do I take today's no show to mean you quit?" the conversation did not go well, I had overslept. She hung up on me and would not answer my calls to find out if she still wanted me to come over.

I got a letter from WPC saying I owe them money. That one of my classes had not been accounted for before my refund check was cut. The timing of everything shows on my end that this was the Business Office's fault, not mine. Still no word on whether or not I can graduate in 15 days. Let alone finish my last class...

I still do not have a job that will pay the bills. I have used up all of my refund just to survive it until now. I still have a mortgage payment to make for January, car payment, car insurance, and PUD. I am hoping that this months paycheck will pay it all.

I will run out of Dog Food in about two weeks. I will be able to buy them food. --one good thing--

I am doing my best not to think about all of the decisions I will need to make if I cannot find a job soon! But they won't go away. So here they are.

Let the bank foreclose or put my house up for a quicksale and hope it sells for enough that I don't have any house loan left over. Let alone hope for a place to live when it sells. Which would mean that Hannah would have to move back in with our parents and they will have to find some place to put all of their stuff that is in my garage...they are pretty much broke too...fixed incomes and all that...

I will have to take all of my furry children to the pound and hope that they are not euthenized.

I will have to find out how to sell my car for the $4000 I still owe on it...yes I know I owe more than it blue books for...and it still needs transmission and some unknown engine work and some cosmetic stuff done too...I self - reposess (is that a possibility even).

My arthritis is affecting my joints so bad in this weather that I can't move without wincing. Getting more meds means going back to the doctor I can't pay for -- patient assistance still has not determined if they can help me--and taking in my tax returns (that I can't find--I did it online) and pay stubs with a year to date amount on them --I can't find the year to date amount on the state's version of a pay stub--neither can the patient assistance coordinator--and dealing with a doctor who feels that I am not in compliance with my diabetes management plan--it doesn't matter that I don't get but $16 in food stamps and can't afford the expensive healthy fruits and veggies that I have never been a big fan of anyway--nor does it matter that the insulin is not helping me lose weight, which is another reason he feels I am not in compliance--I have gained about 60 lbs since starting back on my insulin shots and lyrica was added to my med list...because the other non-narcotics no longer do much--nevermind the fact that my depression is so great right now it is all I can do to get out of bed and take care of the very beings that give me any sense of hope...oh wait...my pups will have to go to the pound too...that is what breaks me. not losing my house, my car, my meds, my increased pain levels, my cats, my boyfriend, or causing more hardship on my family (which I have caused plenty of that because my life keeps getting trashed!) But the thought that I won't have my boys anymore...why bother trying if I don't have them...why bother anything if I lose them (well I will be choosing to send them to the pound because why should they suffer just because their mom is a no good loser who is a drain on society and the very kind of person that the Republicans can't stand to have breathing the same air as they do....yes I have heard it all, seems they don't realize that I am one of the very people they were bitching about...oh well...they are still good people...doing good work for our community...Nurses work the hardest (besides the ED techs that do most of the work) to take care of us poor low-life scum bags who don't deserve to live on the same planet as they pay for out of their hard earned checks....

oh ya. never mind the fact that I have done everything I can physically do to combat my situation...but ce la vi...no matter what I say or do, it will always be my own fault, so really I have no room to bitch, right?

ya, I am angry. I am sad. I am pissed off. And today, at this moment, right now. I am defeated.
Stay tuned because it can all change in a blink of an eye...God is still God, and I never want THAT particular job...lol...I am merely an undeserving, faithless wretch who is so ever thankful that HE at least knows what HE is doing and still chose to save ME...

off to go pet my boys and do some more crocheting, actually got an order. still hoping. still praying. just having a down moment in my heart and mind...

In need of hugs...
me