Dutch Chocolate shake...YUM

Well it's morning again...and a brand new day/life of health and happiness for me. I have started the Take Shape for Life program using the Medifast diet. Here is my starting weight: 272 lbs.

What are my goals for this month to reach 242 lbs by June 30, 2010. I want to have more energy and lower pain levels, I want to have blood glucose levels of 100 to 120. With my awesome health coach, Lynette Bishop, and my oh so supportive Boyfriend Brandan, Mom, Sis, Dad, B's parents, Mike & Betty and adopted sister, Anna, I know I can do this!

Here are my biggest barriers to success: ME, ME, ME and some unhealthy food addiction thrown into the mix...

For the past two weeks I have been fighting my own psyche on getting ready to do the Medifast diet.

My brain "No I don't want to eat a strict, prescribed, cardboard diet! I want to eat, REAL FOOD! I don't want to eat powdered substances and soy/rice bars! Forget it! It won't work!"

My heart "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me! I can do this. I want to weigh less, feel better and look better for myself! I want to be able to look at food with a healthy perspective instead of one more way to feed my depression! I want to enjoy life and not feel tired, weighed down, and physically miserable. I CAN DO THIS!

I indulged. I will admit. I caved. I gave in to my brain. For my last "real meal" I had a banner burger special from Nips, complete with the (not-so-good) Chocolate Shake. I have to say, the blended Dutch Chocolate shake I just made is sooo much better than what I had from Nips...go figure.

So now that it has taken me 15 minutes to finish my shake (the recommended time for consumption of all these new "meals") it is time to go on to finish my daily wake up routine...I need to ask Lynette if black coffee is cheating if I only drink one cup before heading out to the paper routes...Lynette?

Hugs to all and welcome to my journey to better health & happiness!

Happy Memories

Just watched Vanilla Ice's video on YouTube, thanks to the link on my Facebook page...now I am strolling down memory lane and all the angst of Job's Daughters and DeMolay Dances...formals, awkward crushes, loud music, mirror ball hanging from the ceilings, flashing colored and strobe lights...but the best was the "guys" oh my. I could list so many, and sadly there are so many more that are mere facial memories because the names have gone out the door! Andy, Greg, Troy, both John's wow, good times, good memories, good friends. I think I will continue this blog as the memories strike...sounds like a plan!

Cowlitz County Humane Society

I am very thankful that there are such wonderful people working at our humane society. I had to make a very difficult and heartbreaking decision yesterday. I realized that I physically was not able to take care of Gabby (the puppy who followed me home on my paper route) and that she needed to be taken to the vet for vaccinations/spay, etc. So financially I am not able to take care of her either. Watching her maul Mar'Low and Bear broke my heart because they were no longer having fun. First and foremost my boys will always take priority. Then add in the time and effort of training a new puppy, the fact that my body just cannot do it all anymore, and I felt extremely selfish for even hoping to keep her as part of my family.


So instead of putting her back into the cage that needed to be cleaned, making her stay in the cage nearly 20 hours long with only a few minutes of break/run time, I decided to take her to the pound where they are more capable of caring for her and finding her a good home.


So why do I feel like such an evil person? Why am I so sad that she is gone...She was such a wonderful puppy, after only a week she had wiggled and waggled her way into my heart. I am faithful in believing that she will find a happy home and parents who will be able to care for her as she deserves.


My boys are much happier and this is a good thing. So while I feel guilty for taking her to the pound, I know that in my heart I did the right thing for everyone involved.


May God bless this little ray of Sunshine, I will always remember you Gabby (Gabriella)...

The joys of a new puppy, even if she is a foster pup.

Well, a puppy found me last night on my paper route. Dream breed, no less. However, it is another case of be careful what you ask for. Too bad I asked for this type of puppy years and years ago. I am hoping to find her family and return her to them. Checking the classifieds for lost puppies, leaving my business card (that sounds so weird!) at the Humane Society, taking her up to the vet to be checked for a microchip, etc. It's sad though, as much as Brandan is having problems with the house training accidents, he really likes her. I can see that he needs a companion up in the bedroom. He is being extremely patient with her. Which actually amazes me and makes me very happy. I am sad that there really is no realistic way we can keep her though. It is going to be hard to let her go and painful. Maybe we will keep her, I would like to. But we cannot afford the animals we already have. I cannot afford the animals I already have. It is in God's hands. He knows what is best for everyone, including the puppy.

I am so blessed!

No Mo’ Dry Bones
I have been crying out to Jesus, begging Him to tell me what the next step is. Dying inside because I am stuck in this rut. Not knowing why I am unable to find a job that will pay the bills, always worried about when the foreclosure is going to happen (because I cannot see any way of saving the house with my income), worrying about how to keep from losing the car as well. Agonizing over whether or not to take my furry babies to the pound because I cannot afford to get the three boys neutered, or get their shots (not even at the feed store price). I have been quietly asking the few people I know if they would like to adopt them, but so far no takers. I just cannot believe that this is what the Lord wishes for my life, yet I fully admit that I also have no clue, which is why I keep pestering Him to give me just ONE…
Needless to say, I kept hearing wait, to learn how to rest, to trust again, to accept, not struggle, and of course I still haven’t learned how to let go. I doubt I have gotten any closer to learning the art of any of these…
Then I changed my heart’s cry to Lord please just give me something to hold onto in the darkness that is my life right now. I know that YOU have great plans for me, I know that you care for me, just as You care for the smallest sparrow. I have seen Your wondrous miracles over and over again. So Please Father, as my Daddy, I am begging you for something to hold onto in this darkness. It’s all too much. I cannot find it within me to “try,” to “fight,” anymore. I just cannot continue feeling this way anymore. I am finished struggling Papa, I will continue to do the jobs you have blessed me with. I will continue to work very hard at managing my money wisely… the most difficult part of this is deciding who I am not going to pay… I will continue as I am, but I need something to hold close to my heart as it is shattering into pieces… please Papa, please… Then I began to work on my homework, for the last class…the final paper…finding Bible passages that show that God has commanded us to total Health and Wellness…That is when I found the following passage and the overwhelming, chest crushing darkness lifted, peace settled into my heart and mind. Papa gave me the security blanket I so desperately need. My scripture for the upcoming year…and once again my heart quickens with excitement. My breath catches as I look towards the horizon of my future… What a glorious sunrise I am finally able to see peeping above the dark mountains surrounding me in this valley…Thank You Lord, with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind—I thank You—Your mercies ARE new every morning…


Ezekiel 37:1-14
(Contemporary English Version)
Dry Bones Live Again

1Some time later, I felt the LORD's power take control of me, and his Spirit carried me to a valley full of bones.2The LORD showed me all around, and everywhere I looked I saw bones that were dried out. 3He said, "Ezekiel, son of man, can these bones come back to life?"
I replied, "LORD God, only you can answer that."
4He then told me to say:
Dry bones, listen to what the LORD is saying to you, 5"I, the LORD God, will put breath in you, and once again you will live. 6I will wrap you with muscles and skin and breathe life into you. Then you will know that I am the LORD."
7I did what the LORD said, but before I finished speaking, I heard a rattling noise. The bones were coming together! 8I saw muscles and skin cover the bones, but they had no life in them.
9The LORD said:
Ezekiel, now say to the wind, [a] "The LORD God commands you to blow from every direction and to breathe life into these dead bodies, so they can live again." 10As soon as I said this, the wind blew among the bodies, and they came back to life! They all stood up, and there were enough to make a large army.
11The LORD said:
Ezekiel, the people of Israel are like dead bones. They complain that they are dried up and that they have no hope for the future. 12So tell them, "I, the LORD God, promise to open your graves and set you free. I will bring you back to Israel, 13and when that happens, you will realize that I am the LORD. 14My Spirit will give you breath, and you will live again. I will bring you home, and you will know that I have kept my promise. I, the LORD, have spoken."

General rambling moment

So, what is up with me?
I am debating whether or not to put my house up for sale.
I need to do a serious house cleaning--its so filthy I am ashamed.
I need to find homes for my cats, but am not ready to give up my dogs yet.
I am still on the job hunt.
I want to move to a warmer state.
I am tired of hearing people tell me to break up with Brandan and kick both him and my sister out.
I really want to get into Special Education working with the Behaviorally Challenged.
I want to open my own business--Craft/Coffee Shop that gives crochet lessons.
I want to sleep through the night without waking up with electric shocks running through my legs or tingly almost numb ice cold hands, or various other cramps/muscle spasms--
I want to have a job that gets me out of the house every day AND pays the bills.
I want to be able to stop stressing about what my future holds/doesn't hold.
I don't want to think about what is and isn't happening in my life.
I want people to realize that having my 4-year Bachelor's of Science Degree is not a magic ticket that will solve all my problems.
I want to be able to move without pain again.
I want to be able to take my dogs for a walk and be able to do more than cough and wheeze and wince from pain when I get home...from walking around the block...
I want to be thin and healthy. I don't need to be rich, but would like to make enough money to have a savings account that can pay the bills if I lose my job again, or can help out my family if something goes wrong--like the fact that their fridge decided to melt down today and now has to be replaced so it doesn't cause a fire!--or whatever the emergency is...
I want to not be one of the NEEDY DEGENERATES that is sucking our health care and tax payer system dry...
I want to be what I always dreamed of being...successful, well off, teacher, mother, wife...
I am tired. Just plain tired...
so off to bed I go. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Lets see what God has planned...
I still haven't found my journal...think it is time to break open a new one. I have just the one too....
night y'all
me

Thank you and Merry Christmas

I sent out a special Christmas message to a few people I know. Then I changed it for three others that have been especially wonderful friends in my life. Then I realized that there are so many others that I would like to say the same thing to. Then I decided to add it to my blog.

I so miss my journal. I haven't yet decided to keep looking or go ahead and start a new one...Starting over is so difficult for me. LOL, but that is another blog all together...so here is my Christmas Thank You Letter, for everyone that has stepped into my life...
Thank you, thank you for being such a special friend. Thank you for walking with me through this "dark valley" in my life's journey. Thank you for believing in me, especially when I could not. Thank you for not turning away during the moments when I fell and the darkness was too much to handle. And most of all, please know that I will never be able to thank you enough!

I am so excited to finally graduate this Saturday.

I want to let you know that I consider you to be a good friend and appreciate your supporting me through this amazing journey of trust to find peace. While everything is not yet settled and my future (like so many I know--and don't know) is still unknown. I want you to know that I have come to a place of peace.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
I have looked at many possible outcomes for my current situation.

I have looked into putting my house up for a "quick sale" and decided that if necessary that is what I will do. I have friends and family both in Arizona and Oklahoma and have decided that if this is the path I must follow then I plan on moving south to warmer climates :)

I am continuing to apply at whatever positions I find that I know I could do well in, and a few that I am not so sure

I know that Papa G has only my best interest at heart. That He has plans for my future to bless me and others through me. Right now I am learning how to fully trust Him with everything, learning to be at peace despite not having a "goal to work towards" or having a job to pay the bills.

I am starting to dream again.

My first venture into dream land is to start selling my crocheted items on the internet and through word of mouth. It has been a very slow process, but has been very fulfilling as well.

I know that one day I sincerely want to teach youth with behavioral disorders (special ed). There are many ways I would like to see this happen. I special ranch where they can come to work with rescued animals (horses or dogs). In a Montessori type school, where they can have the curriculum set up so it will HELP them succeed, staying right here in Longview, in this house, and opening a center for youth and teens that teaches life skills. Like I said I am starting to dream again.

Yes, I still have moments with my emotions taking over control, I am so far from where I hope to be in that department, but then I have to look at how far I have come as well...and I am much closer than I ever thought I could be.

Yes, I still doubt and wobble from the peace of knowing it will all work out and be more than okay, but then I have remembered how to reach out and ask for help, for someone to lean on, so once again, I have come farther along the way.

Yes, I still have difficulty keeping in touch, journaling, and putting things in writing, but I have discovered the wonder of words again. I have rediscovered my love of writing, so I am again moving forward.

Yes, I have let my physical body become sedentary and sluggish. But, I have begun practicing making better choices and moving again, so I may whine about pain and all that stuff, but it's worth it, to be able to move and move forward to a healthier me.

Yes, I sometimes forget that I have friends who care deeply, even if we aren't in constant contact, talking multiple times everyday...but this too is healthy and normal...I am finding that friendship isn't being the same person and having such an unhealthy relationship, but instead a journey where we walk beside each other, sometimes the paths separate for a time and seem to go in different directions...but I have found that the paths always meet up again somewhere, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for your friendship. I am thankful for you.

Thank you for your friendship and for being there. I hope that you have a most blessed and happy Christmas and New Year.

hugs,
me